Foolish

Because she loved him,

He believed she was crazy…

37 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brand
    Apr 10, 2020 @ 14:55:07

    This one gives me a smile.

    Reply

    • Elephant Under The Bus
      Apr 10, 2020 @ 15:37:26

      Why is that?

      Reply

      • Brand
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 15:59:24

        Well, it’s not so much that I have a low self esteem. I’m romantically awkward, illiterate. It’s not my forte.

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 16:38:28

        What is your forte?

      • Brand
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 17:43:58

        It seems variable, depending on where I am in life and environmental circumstances. Right now I’m trying to learn how to write and be a happy person. Seems like I’m happiest when I don’t have to work for angry people. I don’t make a huge income but have enough debt to tie me down, which doesn’t stress me out too much. I still miss having someone with me. But it’s not debilitating like it was even four months ago. I feel I have gifts to offer the world. But one has to be able to afford charity. That includes energy. After working a couple of jobs, I’m exhausted. It’s not an excuse. I know for a fact that one needs to care for oneself first, in order to be fit enough to make a difference. To be honest, I improved myself while under the influence of a woman. Yes, we have been told that we should improve for our own sakes. But I was at a point where I didn’t have enough self respect to do it on my own. I think it’s fine. Because of her, now I really feel like I can take care of me. After all these years, I’m not afraid of love. It’s kind of a miracle. I would get a cat (another story losing three cats in two years) but the landlord wants a $600 deposit on top of $25 additional rent each month. I’m feeling I don’t need a cat so much, if you get what I’m saying. I guess my forte over the years has been work. Bad things have happened to me over the years. Work has usually been there. Directly related to work, I’m a dedicated person, dedicated to work and people. I strive to be a good person, though I get easily angered by the inherent selfishness of humanity. I catch myself being selfish. I don’t handle over stimulation very well. I recently deactivated my Facebook account because it was a source of negativity. I was able to handle it for just so many years until it just drove me crazy. I’m a dreamer. That’s my forte. I imagine a better world. I’m trying to better my own world. I could go on. But my texting muscles are tightening up!

      • Brand
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 18:25:22

        Someday I would love to meet her. But sometimes she worries me. Maybe she’s being pressured.

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 18:30:16

        You are under her influence, but have yet to meet her?
        Pressured how?

      • Brand
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 19:05:20

        I know it sounds silly. But I’ve written to and read her for years. I feel I know her. I’m not certain about the pressure. It might just be a spirit or events of her past that influence her life. I understand this, because it’s something we shared.

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 19:16:49

        If you were to meet her, where would you meet her?

      • Brand
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 20:09:25

        Haha, that’s a good question! I think it would be quite impossible anyway.

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 19:39:52

        Share her blog site, please.

      • Brand
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 20:09:58

        I’d rather respect her privacy. 🙂

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        Apr 10, 2020 @ 20:21:07

        K 😊

      • Brand
        Apr 13, 2020 @ 03:30:00

        I’m not sure she wants to meet. It’s a tough decision to make for her. But I think we humans put too much power into a single moment. Know what I mean? Here’s my thought. I think she has a wild bunch of energy that she’s completely comfortable with but doesn’t think I will appreciate. She has a tremendous amount of emotion. She’s a good person. The last two qualities she and I share. She has so much to offer the world. And she is moving forward and making amazing choices. I think she and I would meet well. There would probably be smiles, if anything.

      • Brand
        Apr 13, 2020 @ 03:43:23

        Here’s a good story. A friend of a friend got divorced after a long marriage then bought houses next to each other. They can spend as much time together as they want and still have their personal space. I wonder if it’s still going?

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        Apr 13, 2020 @ 11:40:18

        You wonder if what is still going?

      • Brand
        Apr 13, 2020 @ 15:10:52

        Just curious about alternate relationship types. Yeah, I tend to overthink things. Really, in the end, I’d be happy to be friends with her. I think we both would appreciate confidants.

      • Brand
        Apr 25, 2020 @ 07:10:37

        I think I’ve been wrong this whole time about her. I live in a quiet and closed world. I have an overactive imagination. I think she’s been teasing me all these years. I know for a fact that she has disdain for “bad” poetry and said that most of it on WordPress is. I’m not that great. There is a poet on WordPress who is always bragging about being published here and there with tons of cliches in her work. So I think she toys with me. Way back at the beginning she used to respond to my emails. But she doesn’t anymore. I’ve told her so many almost uncountable times that I’d love to be her friend. But she ignores it. This is why I think I’m just a game for her. I really don’t have much of a life on my own. But it’s improving. I don’t reach out and socialize very well. I never really learned how. Any thoughts?

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        Apr 25, 2020 @ 18:06:18

        Maybe she changed her email address?

      • Brand
        Apr 26, 2020 @ 06:48:23

        Could be! 🙂

      • Brand
        Apr 25, 2020 @ 17:39:39

        She is a beautiful mind to me

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        Apr 25, 2020 @ 18:50:47

        What is your definition of a beautiful mind?
        What is keeping you from reaching out?

      • Brand
        May 03, 2020 @ 07:40:35

        With words, she creates a tangible space, a painting of a dreamscape, full of hidden messages. Somethings I don’t grasp directly, but pick up as I step back. Like looking at impressionist art, the impact of the brushstrokes become apparent at a distance. As you step closer it’s amazing how the whole thing was constructed.

      • Brand
        May 03, 2020 @ 07:42:06

        I have reached out. But I’m sort of a shy person. I think it might take awhile for me to express my full appreciation.

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        May 05, 2020 @ 21:10:07

        The time is NOW, even in the shy guy’s world… Go for it.

      • Brand
        May 06, 2020 @ 04:51:04

        I know what you’re saying! In some ways it seems like the perfect time!

        I’m remembering our history. She always brought out conflicts. She never wanted to be friends, which is a big red flag.

        Mostly it has been her recent posts reminding me about my own past and my struggle and innocence.

        She also has an addiction to darkness. I know this because I was addicted to depression for a number of years. There were points when it sounded like she was coming out of it but I think she might be stuck.

        She did send me a note. She mentioned a lot of things that made me feel that it’s not a good time for us.

        I wish there was a way to get straight answers. I remember now, because she brought up the past, that she seems to be running on an agenda.

        I’m not sure how else to explain this.

        And she said in her note to me that she was looking for someone to take away the pain of childhood. That not what I’m about.

        I want to remain friends for a few years and see if she can pull things together. It would be fair for her and myself.

        If either of us finds another that meets our needs, so be it.

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        May 06, 2020 @ 08:49:25

        Addicted to darkness? Addicted to depression?
        “Addicted to a certain kind of sadness…” ~ Gotye

        That concept makes for good lyrics, but is depression really an addiction?

      • Brand
        May 06, 2020 @ 09:14:08

        It was for me. I knew that when I was my worst, it was a coursing energy. I think if I would have savored it, there would be no return.

        She keeps falling into the darkness. I know she has other sites, some resembling occult, which I’ve never been interested in. I’ve had Wicca friends, but never dark ones.

        It’s just a concern, especially since we can never really meet face to face.

        I like how that song builds, by the way. It’s really well constructed.

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        May 06, 2020 @ 10:42:36

        You think your “friend” may be “stuck,” she’s “running on an agenda,” and she is looking for someone to “take away the pain of childhood.”

        You call yourself her friend, but the two of you will never meet face to face. Yet, you are concerned that she may be practicing “dark” magic of sorts?
        Define “friend.”

        You are passively hopeful that this friendship may (lots of ifs/thens) blossom into something more.

        Also,
        What does any of this have to do with you being “shy,” as you claim to be?

        If you appreciate her, let her know. Maybe an active and supportive friend is what she needs.

      • Brand
        May 06, 2020 @ 11:06:59

        It’s twisted, I know. My mind tends to run in a thousand directions at once. When I get anxiety, I change sides and directions. It’s frustrating for me.

        I emailed her that I’m here for her if she wants support. We’ve been messaging.

        I tend to think that she becomes erratic when depressed. I’m figuring this out now. With the way my brain responds to erratic behavior, I’m not sure I can hang on.

        I am now getting the sense that she might have control issues. But she might also have inadequacy issues. Any of which I’m happy to support her against the struggles. But it has a severe impact on my personal well being.

        I know I shouldn’t take on other’s feelings, but it’s a bad habit.

        Other people’s emotions are things I can’t take on right now.

        I’ll be looking for work, working on my own business, writing, and taking care of my dad. I need to prepare my home if he’s going to move in by July.

        I’m impatient because I focus too much on my work and time moves more slowly than I think it should. I sent her my offer of support yesterday. She hasn’t responded.

        “Define friend”
        Well, I guess it’s just what I’ve been offering to her, a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk with. I’m certain this can happen online. You and I are probably performing a certain level of friendship here, now, if not trust.

        Me being shy was related to being guarded about opening up conversation. I certainly have a crush, but don’t want to spoil the friendship.

        When I’ve written poetry about her, I unleashed my full emotions. That’s wrong here in the blogging world. Writing is entertainment, an exercise. She has never appreciated that I keep falling for her. I keep promising I won’t.

        I am totally on board with the supportive friend. I just need to step back when she gets off balance.

      • Elephant Under The Bus
        May 06, 2020 @ 15:28:39

        All in all, I appreciate how openly you type with me about your anxiety and crushes and special people in your life, especially when we are strangers. Wishing you the best.

      • Brand
        May 06, 2020 @ 15:38:04

        I just wanted someone to talk with. It’s pretty quiet and empty here.

  2. Elephant Under The Bus
    Apr 13, 2020 @ 17:46:57

    Curiouser and curiouser about healthy relationships?
    What keeps you from taking off your mask and making an effort to become friends with her?

    Reply

  3. Elephant Under The Bus
    May 06, 2020 @ 14:54:45

    Sounds like you have already “let it go.”
    I mean, what are you actually holding on to?

    Real friends don’t step back when the going gets rough/”she gets off balance.” That sounds more like a fair-weather friend to me.

    And actions speak so much louder than words… It is good that you know your boundaries and that you acknowledge your personal issues with absorbing other people’s emotions, but dipping out on a friend during her time of need may tell her a lot about the importance of that avatarial “friendship.” Why would the girl who you keep crushing on, but never want to meet face to face appreciate that a you keep crushing on her?

    Do you absolutely know it is actually, clinical depression? Or, is it sadness related to difficult issues she was dealing with?

    When you said you were shy, you also said it would probably take a long time to let her know how much you appreciate her. Why do you appreciate her/the idea of her?

    Reply

  4. Brand
    May 06, 2020 @ 19:31:35

    Thanks again for this conversation. I actually am giving blogging a break. Poetry can be misinterpreted. I’m tired of that. What I’m glad about is that she finally responded to my emails. I think direct and clear discussion is more helpful, here. Online, she seemed to be becoming threatening. I don’t like to deal with that.

    It’s not that I wouldn’t want to meet her. I certainly would! But she lives across the ocean. I get a sense she doesn’t travel right now and I’m poor.

    She told me she was depressed. Depression is a vague idea to me. It’s all a guess. I’ve been depressed on and off through my adult years. I’ve been heavily depressed for the past eight years, even suicidal a couple of times. But I don’t think I was clinically depressed. Not having looked it up, it seems like it would be a chronic condition.

    As it turns out, via email I was able to express a lot of what I thought about her, her mind, her craft, energy. She can write darkly. But when she opens up with joy, she takes my heart away! But we’ve never met. I never thought just words could do this to a person.

    She’s far away. I’ve offered her coffee anytime, if she ever gets to my area. That’s about all I can do.

    Reply

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